the muse

i wrote this in november 2018;

 

"rediscovering my creative side has snowballed into a serious self transformation and allowed me to truly lean into the introspective, learning about my own mind, what makes me happy, calm, what excites me, what habits i need to drop and which ones to cultivate, what makes me anxious and how to deal with it in a healthy way, and a million other big and small things i never really took the time to just sit back and notice. i feel like i have rediscovered my colour and my spark in so many ways. the mej muse came out of this new mindset (the very first bun drawing came at a pretty rough time when i was using art as a distraction from severe anxiety) and so she’s become  representative of all that struggle and and so much more, and i can’t wait to continue sharing all her iterations with you 🧡in true narcissistic leo fashion, i’m bringing a touch of vanity to life in this little muse -  she’s not always me, but she’s always got a little hint of me.

 

i had just painted this.

 

based on this photo

 

of me.

 

it was the first time in a long time i felt like

both personally and artistically speaking

 

which was weird. i’d spent a lot of years being really loud and over the top and not at all shy. then i got really quiet for a few years and fell into a lot of rabbit holes. i stopped creating and ignored the ideas i had for originality. i would have bursts of clarity, lightning bolt moments where i would feel whole and present and alive - in moments where i was letting out all that light and colour i'd been stifling. i finally realized i was working myself into a life and a version of myself i didn't want to live in, and said fuck this. i’m finding my voice again, and if my childhood was any kind of indication, i’d say my most raw personality typically comes out in a lot of over the top clothing, public performance, and oversharing, so this makes total sense.

(. . .we'll get into those embarrassing stories another day.)

 

 but before this lightning bolt moment, these little bun doodles had already existed for about a year and a half - jumping from my sketchbook to a quietly started instagram that was basically a collection of small comics. i used her initially to satisfy the sarcastic quips i no longer posted since quitting twitter. she was a scribble on the bus ride to work, a doodle on the margins of my notebooks, a fun way to share a 'selfie'. i wrote early on that this was 'a tiny creative way to meditate' - i had no idea how important that would end up being. 

since this realization that my little doodle could, and did, represent a lot more than just my dry shampoo beehives and sarcastic one liners, she’s worn a lot of coats. she has a lot of personalities. sometimes she lets her hair down. she feels like my little mascot, and it felt totally natural to base my brand around her and the message i want her to share.

 

 

over time she’s evolved to be a muse in the truest sense of the word

 

 

she’s all about encompassing and celebrating your own sources of inspiration

internal and external

about embracing the magic that self love can create

and letting others teach and stimulate and motivate us to bring our best to the table

through creativity and honesty and vulnerability

 

 

this idea of musing, the daydreaming mind, careful and reflective speculation – this is what musings, the blog component of muse by mej, will be home to. i love to write, to ramble, to ask odd questions, slur poetry and scrawl essays. since drawing has become a truly regular habit and hobby for me it’s given me a lot of time to think, and i’ve put my mind to work on a lot of healing and understanding of myself, which has in turn filled many journals and sketchbooks. i’m ready to share parts of this, and parts of my journey with muse by mej, that i think might resonate, or entertain, or inspire.

 

 

 

that’s my why.
 

 

 

it’s an amalgamation of all the learning and science and arts and mystery and magic that i’ve gathered

all the friends and teachers and bullies and lovers and heartbreaks that left their marks

the heroes and literary idols and goddesses and movie crushes and authors that scripted my dreams

 

and i hope you can see a little piece of your own journey somewhere in here, and find your own inspiration.

 

 

 

love