hey y'all.

(originally posted on instagram, april 20th, 2021) 

hi y'all. let’s get personal for a sec.

(tw: suicide)

(ps is there another way to casually insert this into conversation? this feels blunt but i'd like to warn y’all if i’m gonna get into deep stuff because *please respect your mental health & your daily capacity to absorb information online*)

my dad died in march. i think you can guess what happened. it’s been tough as hell, obviously.

i don’t know how i am lately. life feels alarmingly normal and i am both grateful for, and disgusted by, that reality.

i'm doing well on a lot of levels.
i’m surrounded by people i love, have so many babies & dogs to snuggle, i’m in n.s. so i can safely see my friends & family, i'm in a wonderfully creative atmosphere and have a lot of huge opportunities right now. i'm optimistic at heart.

i'm also doing horribly in a lot of ways.
my anxiety has spiked and grief is intense. there’s a lot of mental and physical exhaustion involved. all my bad habits/coping mechanisms are at 1000% and i’m slowly trying to unravel them. and i just fucking miss my dad. he was such a huge reason of why i moved here & i feel so robbed of time with him.

dad was so supportive of my creativity. he always gifted me vintage cameras, film, paint supplies and books. the first thing he did at my place was always go to my desk to check out what i was working on. he totally got what i saw as a future for muse & was on board from day 1. it hurts that he’s not going to get to see any of my work going forward.

it’s tough to sit down to create because there’s this inherent sense of dread, knowing that i won’t be able to show him new work after dinner on sunday. at the same time, creativity is an outlet for grief/pain/anger and is helpful in healing. like most things, it feels both impossible & necessary lately. mostly i'm grateful to have that outlet and i'm slowly getting back to work on my long list of exciting projects.

so. i'm okay. a bit great, a bit awful. c'est la vie. any consistency in posting online and creating new work is definitely out the window right now so bear with me. i'll be sharing what feels right here and @m_ej and @musingsbymej. thanks for being here while i figure it out 🧡