messy

my mom calls me a tornado.
 
when the term “hot mess” started circulating i got constantly tagged in memes and jokes by friends online.
(still do.)
 
my hair is generally one more day unbrushed away from turning into dreadlocks.
 
and i am, 
i am a big huge fucking mess.
my life is a mess, always.
 
 
my room,
my hair,
my desk,
my purse,
my journal,
my suitcase,
my schedule,
my love life,
my mind.
 
 
big ol' messes.
 
but i love it.
 
i never really know what the fuck i’m doing.
and that’s the most amazing part of my life.
the present doesn’t look anything like i thought it would,
and there’s a whole future of unknowns
still to come.
 
i live for chaos.
for uncertainty,
for unpredictability,
for asymmetry,
for dichotomies,
for learning,
for experimentation,
for fun,
and for mess.
 
i find refuge in
 
houses cluttered with memories
shelves of knick knacks and photographs
 
rooms with forgotten tasks left on tables
as inspiration hits suddenly and interrupts itself
 
hair messy with dance and wind
and that nasty habit of playing with it when anxiety hits
 
imperfect forests with overgrown trails  
and ungroomed backyards of wildflowers
 
dusty barns and sweat and old leather
dirty boots and fingernails
 
wild waves crashing on rocky shores
and lightning cracking the calm night sky
 
scrawling handwriting when the pen can’t move
fast enough to capture the whirlwind of thoughts
 
 
life is messy
let it be messy
accept that it’s complicated
embrace that it’s unpredictable
 
let go of the need to be in control
and find the excitement
in surrendering to a little chaos
and a little mess
 
 
i subscribe to the idea that you have to be willing to do something wrong in order to learn to do it right.
that the best way to figure out how something works is to pull it apart and piece it back together again.
that making the mistake is sometimes the best way to remember not to make the same mistake in the future.
and that rolling up your sleeves and getting dirty is the only surefire way to get shit done.
and that leaving a little laundry on the chair in the corner because you were busy creating something beautiful or spending time with your lover or watching rupaul is not gonna be the end of the world.
 
 
so welcome to my little internet home for the creative cyclone that lives in my brain, put out for your viewing pleasure on paper and in words and eventually much more. expect more of these stream of consciousness blogs, because this is how my scattered thoughts make the most semblance of sense sometimes.
 
don’t mind the mess.
 
 

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